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Tuesday, March 22, 2011

UGH

Feeling better now than last night. Last night was not great. I never dreamed I would have a child who cusses at me, screams at me, tells me she wishes my plane had crashed, and that she hates me. The purpose of my phoenix tattoo was not to be "tough" or just a random act of rebellion. It has purpose. The phoenix dies and is reborn out of its ashes. It is a representation of what happens to me each and every time I go through trials with my teen daughter. I die each time, then I rise again. It is how I survive. It is the only way I know to survive. People say they don't know how I do it. How I can keep on going, and not be insane or really bitter. I believe it is because God equipped mothers with extra strength. I've often said that I must be Super Woman because I have gone through so much pain.

Depression has been an issue. I have had days when pajamas and my bed were all I wanted. Friends have come to my aid, whether by dragging me out on a walk and talk, or bringing me things they know I like, such as Christmas socks. :) With my depression not really being an issue now, I just have to find other ways to deal with the body slam of emotions. For one, I am thankful for friends that know how to drag me out of the depths of my personal pity parties. Another way to deal is writing. I have always found that writing helps, even if what I write is tossed in the garbage later, never to be read by another soul. And prayer. God gives me so much strength. I learned long ago to never pray for patience. I never do. I always only ask for guidance and peace.

One lesson I have learned is that it doesn't matter what kind of parent you are, your child will be who THEY are. Sometimes they need more of a push in the right direction, other times they just seem to find their own way. I believe wholeheartedly that when you dedicate your child to the Lord, then He will take care of them. I also believe in Proverbs 22:6--"Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." That doesn't mean a child won't stray or get off course. If a child is taught of God's love and truths, he or she will never forget. Eventually all who are lost find their way home.  And in that I find peace.

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